


Love shines through Darkness

by Lava



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Boys In Love, Comfort/Angst, Couple goals, Crying Alec, Crying Magnus, Dreams and Nightmares, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, Jace Izzy and Asmodeus are mentionned too, Light Angst, M/M, Magnus' parents are mentionned, Magnus' past, Pancakes, Scared Magnus Bane, Sweet Alec Lightwood, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-20
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-16 13:12:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,194
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11253663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lava/pseuds/Lava
Summary: After 2x12Azazel switched Magnus' and Valentine's bodies. After they switched back MAgnus is left wih Alec.Alec doesn't know how to help him but he tries.They talk, Magnus has a nightmare, Alec conforts him and Magnus tells him about his past, his mother, his stepfather and his real father.I am terrible at writing summaries, sorry.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, this is my first fanfiction and it's about Malec :p  
> I had this idea in my head for quite a while so here you go.  
> English is not my first langage so i am sorry if there are mistakes. I am not good at grammar so there will probably some mistakes about that. Sorry. 
> 
> This takes straight after the Malec scene in 2x12.

Alec was sitting next to Magnus, leaving a little space between them.

 

« That agony rune … made me relieve memories I've spent centuries to forget » said Magnus.

 

« Magnus, tell me how to fix this. Just tell me what to do. Please » asked Alec.

 

Magnus looked at Alec, then looked away, not knowing what to say, probably because he doesn 't know if this can be fixed.

 

Guilt.

 

Anger.

 

Pain.

 

These were the only feelings that felt Alec right now after everything that happened tonight.

 

«  I … » started Alec «  I know that I am probably the last person you want to see right now but … whatever you need, I will do it, tell me how I can fix this, please Magnus » said Alec, voice full of desesperation.

 

«  I don't know » finally said Magnus.

 

_He' s in so much pain_ thought Alec  _And it's all my fault._

 

« I think … I need time » started Magnus, «  and space from ... »

 

« From me » said Alec without looking at him

 

« It's not that » interrupted Magnus «  I just need some time to think and try to forget these memories that … I just need time from everyone, I don't think i am going to leave the loft anytime soon. »

 

« I understand, I get it » said Alec, he glanced at him. « Do you want me to leave ? »

 

Magnus didn't answer him, he wasn't even looking at him. Alec would'nt blame him. He didn't believe Magnus when he should have. Everything that happened, he could have stopped it, but he didn't, because he didn't believe Magnus.

 

« No don't » whispered Magnus, Alec looked at him, there was a hint of desesperation in his eyes, even fear, it was breaking his heart, seing him like this. He never saw him this vulnerable and scared. Never.

 

«Alright I won't leave you if you don't want me to » finally said Alec. He was actually relieved.

He thought that Magnus would be mad at him, angry, but he wasn't. He doesn't understand why he's not actually. He messed up pretty bad today. That doesn't mean he wasn't angry at himselft.

He was, more angry that he has ever been.

 

He took a glance at Magnus, he could tell that he was tired.

 

« You are tired, you should get some sleep Magnus » he said.

 

« Yeah I ... »

 

« Maybe you can go and take  a shower first then I will get you something to eat and then you can go to sleep … I mean if you want me to, and you don't have to- » stuttered Alec

 

« Alec » interrupted Magnus « I would love that » finally said Magnus with a little smile..

 

Clearing his throat, Alec stood up « Yeah I am just gonna ... » said Alec looking toward the kitchen, « You go and take a shower ok ? Take your time Magnus. »

 

« Thank you Alexander » whispered Magnus. He stood up and made his way toward his bedroom leaving Alec in the hall.

Alec went to the kitchen deciding to do something to make Magnus feel better.

Alone in the kitchen, he was left with his worst enemy. His thoughts.

 

_I am so stupid._

 

How could he do that ? Being in love with someone but not being able to see the difference between the person you're in love with and a murderer ?

 

How is he supposed to look at Magnus in the eyes and not feel guilty and terrible ?

 

How is he supposed to take care of Magnus if everytime Magnus will look at him the only thing that will come into his mind will be the torture he went through ?

 

How is supposed to make him feel better while he is the one who screwed up ? The one who couldn't stop Magnus getting hurt ? The one who put him in the chair and gagged him so that he can get executed by Imogen? and he just ... left.

 

_I hurt him. I hurt him. I hurt him. I hurt him. I hurt him. I hurt him. I -_

 

The sound of water from the bathroom stopped Alec's thoughts abruptely.

Magnus must have started to take his shower. He better starts making something to eat before he gets out of the bathroom.

 

Sighing, he wandered around in the kitchen looking for the ingredients for what he wanted to cook.

Getting away from his thougts, he started cooking.

 

After a few minutes, he put everything in a little plate. He doesn't notice Magnus closing in bedroom door and making his way into the hall.

 

« Alec ? » heard Alec.

 

« I am almost done Magnus, wait a little bit I will be there » yelled Alec from the kitchen.

 

He doesn't hear Magnus' reply, but he heard some noises so he thinks that Magnus' may have made his way to the couch.

 

Taking the plate in one hand, and a glass of milk in the other hand, he made his way to the hall where Magnus, as he thought, was sitting on the couch waiting for him.

 

« Hey, it's done » Magnus looked at him.

 

And surprisingly, he saw a little smile forming his lips,

« Pancakes ? It's almost midnight Alexander.  » looking at the clock, asked Magnus with a grin.

 

« Uh … Yeah I am not a great cooker but Mom and my siblings always said that there were good so I thought that... maybe, you could try some ? » asked Alec, standing awkardly in front him carrying milk and pancakes in his hands.

 

« I would love to » said Magnus, looking at him, still smiling. Magnus moved to make a place for Alec to sit. « Come and sit here » said Magnus, patting the place next to him.

 

Alec went to sit next to him, and put the plate and milk on the little table in front of the couch.

 

Magnus started eating in silence, not looking at him or talking to him.

 

_He must be angry. Why wouldn't he ?_

 

For Alec, the silence was horrible. He let Magnus eat in peace. He was once again faced with his thoughts.

 

He wanted to take care of Magnus, making sure he was okay, which he knew he wasn't. But still, he didn't want to leave him alone.

 

_What if Magnus pushes him away ?_

 

_What if Magnus hates him now ?_

 

_What if he doesn't want to be with him anymore ?_

 

_What if he doesn't love him anymore ?_

 

He wouldn't blame him, he would understand him, he will. But deep down, he whishes that it won't come to that. Not that he doesn't deserve that, he totally does, but he hopes that won't happen.

 

Maybe he should talk to him, let him know that he will be there for him no matter what.

 

Gathering some courage, he lookes at Magnus and

 

« Magnus ? » Magnus paused at his eating and whitout looking at him, said :

 

« Hmm ? »

 

« Why are you not mad at me ? » blurted Alec, the first thing that came to his mind.

That startled Magnus. He looked up at him, confusion written on his face.

 

« What ? Why I would be mad at you ? » asked Magnus.

 

« For what I did. For not believing you. For not making the difference between you and Valentine. For letting you get tortured. I hurt you and- »

 

« Alec » interrupted Magnus, «I am not mad at you, and I am not blaming you » said Magnus with his soft voice.

 

This time, it's Alec who's confused and startled. He looked at Magnus, searching in his eyes Something which will show him that he was lying. But he found honesty and softness instead.

 

_He's not mad ? Why the hell isn't he mad at me ?_

 

« You're not ? But … how ? And why ? » whispered Alec, not finding the force to make his voice audible.

 

« Because it wasn't your fault » said Magnus, letting his head fall and he looked at his hands instead of Alec's eyes.

 

_It is._

 

« Of course it was ! » exclaimed Alec. « I could have stopped it, I should have listened to you and believed you and I didn't ! » kept talking Alec.

 

«Alec ... » tried to interrupt Magnus but Alec didn't stop

 

« They tortured you because I didn't believe you and It's because of me that- »

 

« Alec stop ! » yelled Magnus, and that put a full stop to Alec's babbling.

 

Magnus was looking at him with his tired eyes and whispered « I am fine Alexander, you don't have to be worried, I am okay... »

 

« No you're not. Don't try to make me feel better because I won't »

 

« You're right. I am not » finally said Magnus and Alec can feel his heart breaking. Because it's true. Magnus is not okay, far from it actually.

 

« I ... » started Alec, but doesn't say anything else. Because he doesn't know what to say. He doesn't know how he can make Magnus feel better.

 

Magnus put the plate on the table and turned to look at him. Then he looked down at his hands, playing with the rings on his fingers. It looks like he's trying to get his words out but doesn't know how to.

 

He started to talk, without taking his eyes off of his rings.

 

« I blamed you at first » said Magnus, and Alec felt his heart falling out and he opened his mouth to apologize again but he closed it and decided to let Magnus speak.

 

_I should let him speak his mind, it should make him feel better._

 

« When I was in that cell... » started Magnus, closing his eyes, and continuing, « … the only thing that came to my mind was that you'd believe me, because I thought … I thought that even if I was in Valentine's body, you'd be able to … recognize me, to feel me somehow because you loved me. » whispered Magnus.

 

Alec never would have thought that he would go through a pain like this one, the pain of the feeling when you let down the person you're in love with. But today he does, and it's killing him.

He started to talk again, without taking his eyes off of his rings.

 

« When you didn't believe me... » paused Magnus.

He can hear him taking a deep breath before continuying. Alec doesn't look at him, he doesn't think he could handle watching Magnus' face full of pain and betrayal. He can't.

So he kept looking ahead of him, fixing a point in the loft waiting for Magnus to starts talking again.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for the kudos and comments ^^ It means a lot :)
> 
> This chapter is a little bit short so apologies... 
> 
> There is going to be a 3rd chapter after all, because I decided to write a little more of it 
> 
> Sorry again for the possible mistakes.

« When you didn't believe me... » paused Magnus.

He can hear him taking a deep breath before continuying.

Alec doesn't look at him, he doesn't think he could handle watching Magnus' face full of pain and betrayal. He can't.

So he keeps looking ahead of him, fixing a point in the loft waiting for Magnus to starts talking again.

 

« When you didn't believe me … I was devastated, hurt and I thought that you will let me rot in that cell ... » Magnus whispered the last part of the sentence, like he didn't want to say it but did it anyway.

 

Alec closed his eyes. He didn't interrupt. He could feel tears forming in his eyes, but he kept them in. He didn' t want to cry. Not in front of Magnus.

 

Magnus was the one who needed comfort right now, not him.

 

«  I tried to make you believe me … That it was me in Valentine's body but I knew that you probably won't believe me but there was that tiny little bit of hope … » continued Magnus.

 

« But I didn't believe you … and I hurt you » replied Alec.

 

« You didn't hurt me Alexander. You didn't use that agony rune on me and- »

 

« If I believed you, you would have never went through that torture ! I don't get it … Why are you so … calm like nothing happend ?! Why are you not upset ? Do something ! Get mad at me or yell at me Magnus! I totally deserve it ! » finished Alec.

 

Magnus looked at him and smiled sadly, before replying :

 

« Getting mad at you and blaming you wouldn't change anything Alec, It'll only hurt me more... and It would hurt you too, and that is the last thing I want to do. »

 

Alec is lost at words. He doesn't know what to say. After everything that happend Magnus is worried about _him._

 

_Why ?_

_Because that's who Magnus is. Too kind and forgive people to easily._

 

Before he had a chance to say anything, Magnus started talking again.

 

« I was mad at you first because you didn't make the difference between me and … him. I thought that you didn't believe me because you didn't love m- »

 

Alec couldn't keep the silence anymore, especially if Magnus started to think that Alec doesn't love him anymore.

 

« I do ! Magnus I swear I do, I do love you, that had nothing to do with the fact that I didn't believe you ! It was- I don't- I wanted to believe- but I- » kept stuttering Alec with a hint of desesperation.

 

Magnus must have know what he is trying to say because he felt Magnus' hands over his two hands, he looked up and he saw Magnus who's looking at him with nothing but understanding and love, with a little smile forming on his lips.

 

« I am not saying that you don't love me. I am just saying that at that moment that's what I thought and now I know that I was wrong and that's why I am not blaming you. Because I know why you didn't believe me- »

 

« But I should have » whispered Alec looking down at his hands still envelopped in Magnus' hands.

«  Yes; you should have » said Magnus and Alec's breath catched in his throat.

 

« But I know why you didn't Alexander. Because I was … I was Valentine. And you saw him not me.

And he's a cold blood murderer, a manipulator.

Someone who's ready to do and say anything possible to save his own life. That's who he is. You didn't know what happened with Azazel after the summoning that night. You didn't know that Azazel switched our bodies. And- »

 

« But I should have noticed it ! I- » interrupted him Alec.

 

Magnus looked at him in the eyes and said « Alec would you please shut up and listen to me ? »

 

Alec looked at him with shock and confusion and shut his mouth, nodded his head, showing Magnus that he was ready to listen.

 

« As I was saying … Valentine is twisted. He know everyone's vulnerabilities and weaknesses and he knows exactly how to use it against them. And he does it very well.

Exactly how he did it with Jace by making him believe that he was his son while he wasn't. That's who Valentine is. He plays with people's mind and knows how to escape if he is in a bad situation that could cost him his life.

Alexander … the only person you saw in that cell was Valentine so you believed it was him and not me.

You didn't saw me but I saw you Alec.

I saw that anger in your eyes when you thought that Valentine was using my name against you to break himself out of that place.

I saw you when you were struggling to understand what I was telling you was true or false.

And then when I started to talk about our night we spend at Tokyo … you were just so sad … because you didn't want to realize that what I was saying was truth. You didn't want to believe me because you were scared, I get it Alec. I really do.

The way you yelled « Stop » at me when you thought Valentine was using your personnal feelings against you was full of anger. But the second time, you whispered it because you considered the fact that maybe It was really me instead of Valentine in that cell, and you were full of sadness and desesperation.

So yes, what happened with Valentine hurt me, it brought terrible memories of my past that I spend more than hundred years to forget. He hurt me, he _broke_ me, everything that happened to me was his fault, not yours. You didn't switch mine and Valentine's body, you didn't use that … that agony rune on me.

You saved me Alec, if it wasn't for you, Imogen … she would have killed me.

Yes, you didn't believe me, and yes it hurted me and maybe it still is, but I am NOT blaming you, I am NOT mad at you, because I love you Alexander and deep down I know that the last thing you want to do is to hurt me. So please listen to me and stop blaming yourself alright ? »

 

The whole time during Magnus' speech Alec was looking down at his lap, and still is. The only difference was that, at the beginning he wasn't crying but now he was. Alec was still sitting on the couch, his hands still hold by Magnus' hands.

 

Magnus was rubbing his thumbs over Alec's hands, in a way so that can confort him.

 

Tears were streaming from his eyes. He didn't look at Magnus but he saw Magnus his hand which moved away to caress his cheek and Alec moved his head and leaned into it, like he was craving for Magnus' touch.

 

He looked up at Magnus, and Magnus was looking at him too. He got closer to him, so that he can look staight into Alec's eyes. Alec could feel Magnus' breath, which was joining his own.

 

They were so close.

 

Magnus looked so sincere, honest. Then he whispered four words.

 

« I forgive you Alexander ».

 

And Alec's breath catched in his throat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading ^^ 
> 
> Let me know what you thought about it in the comments 
> 
> I will update the 3rd chapter, if you guys still want it, probably the next week, the 5th July, if everything goes as planned :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry I am terrible at keeping promises 
> 
> This one is not the last chapter but I wanted to update something today before the new episode 
> 
> Sorry again for the late update ^^" 
> 
> Enjoy :)

Magnus looked so sincere, honest and he whispered four words.

« I forgive you Alexander ».

 

And Alec's breath catched in his throat.

 

Alec felt _awful._ Because Magnus wasn't supposed to say this. He wasn't supposed to be this forgivefull.

 

Hearing these four words, after _everything_ that went down during these past few hours, Alec felt relief going through his body. And before he knew, a sob escaped his mouth and he started crying even more. Tears falling through his eyes, landing on his lap. His shoulders started to shake because of it. His hands were shaking.

 

Everything suddently became too much. All these feelings. It was overwelming.

 

Relief.

 

The relief that Magnus wasn't mad at him, that he still loved him, that he was still here with him.

After everything that happened to Magnus, and partially because of Alec, he felt relieved that Magnus wasn't getting angry at him like he should.

Relief that Magnus was _forgiving him._

 

Guilt.

 

Guilt was still there. Alec doesn't think that it's gonna go away soon. It's probably always gonna be here. Reminding him of what he did : hurt Magnus ; and of what he didn't do : protecting and believing Magnus.

It's definetely going to follow him into his nightmares, keeping him awake for hours and hours.

 

Gratitude.

 

Gratitude towards Magnus. Because he understood him. He knew how Alec is feeling right now. Not getting angry, telling him that it was okay. That _they were okay._

 

Love.

And love. God he felt so much of it. So much that he can feel it in his bones, in every single fibre of his body, in his heart. He loved him so much, so much that sometimes he's scared of it.

 

Alec was never good with words, not like Magnus is. So he started to say with words what he was feeling, but everything that came out from his mouth was : « I am sorry, I am so sorry Magnus ». Repeating it over and over again, so that Magnus would hear him.

 

He heard and felt Magnus getting even closer to him. And before he could stop him, Magnus pulled him into his arms and hugged him, like he did after Valentine's attack at the Institute, when they both expressed their love for each other for the first time.

 

Alec was clenching into him, holding into him, feeling like if he ever let go, he would stop breathing. He was hugging him with all his strenght, and love, and Magnus was doing just the same.

 

Alec kept holding into him, and Magnus kept hugging him, whispering some words into his ears :

« It's okay, Alexander »

«  It's okay, let it out, let it all out »

So he did.

The pain, guilt and anger ; he let them all out by crying into Magnus' shoulder and hugging him like he never want to let go of him again.

 

He didn't know how long he sat there, crying like this. But he pulled away. As he did, Magnus took his hands into his, and looked at him with his soft eyes and asked

 

« Are you okay ? »

 

Alec couldn 't help it, he laughed. This situation was crazy.

 

« You're not the one who's supposed to ask me this. You're the one who is supposed to be taken care of. Not the other way around » said Alec.

 

« Maybe, but right now, at this moment, you're the one who need comfort » answered Magnus.

 

« Perhaps … perhaps we both need it. Comfort, I mean. We definetely both need it right now »

 

Magnus snorted at that and smiled a little,  «That we do »

He moves a little away from Alec so that he can put his legs on the floor, but he doesn't let his hands go. He kept holding them.

« And besides, comforting you, it helps me too. So it's alright ».

 

Alec looked at Magnus. He's smiling at him. And somehow it doesn't feel _right._

 

 _Magnus_ got hurt.

 

 _Magnus_ got tortured.

 

 _Magnus_ was in that cell for hours getting hurt and alone.

 

And here they were, _Alec_   was getting comforted by Magnus. It only made Alec feel worse. Literally.

 

_I should probably do something about it_ thought Alec. 

 

Clearing his throat, he moved his hands. Instead of letting Magnus hold his hands, he went for the other option. He took Magnus' hands into his and hold them. 

 

Magnus suddently look down at their hands. He tried to took his hands away and tell something to Alec but he beat him to it. 

 

« You're not okay Magnus. » Magnus tried to start protesting but Alec didn't let him. 

 

« I know you're not. Anyone wouldn't be okay if they went through what you went through ». 

 

« Alec I am fi- » tried to interrupt Magnus, but Alec instantly replied to him, 

 

« I let you talk right ? You told me what you thought about the situation, so let me speak to you okay ? Please ? » 

 

Magnus was looking at him, struggling to make a decision. Alec could see the confusion in his eyes. He finally nodded while looking into his eyes, waiting for Alec to start talking. 

Alec took a deep breath and gave Magnus' hands a little squeeze and looked down. 

 

« I know that you  don't want to talk about it, I know that you feel like you don't have to talk about it, and I am probably the last person you want to talk right now. But remember that day when you told me that when things gets crazy to not to push you away ? I promised you that I would'nt. I am asking the same thing to you today. I know you are hurting, that you don't want anyone to see you like this, afraid, and vulnerable. But you don't have to worry about that with me or with anyone you know of. I mean, everyone have their bad times right ? 

I had mine. Too many of them. When Jace went missing, I pushed everyone away, including you. I felt lost and alone, and you were the one who made me realize that I wasn't, that you were there, and always will be there for me. You helped me during that time like no one else did. You didn't even need to talk to me you know ? Just the fact that you were there made everything so much easier. And then when that thing with Jocelyn happened... When I … when that demon got possession of my body and killed her, I was feeling so guilty and alone, but you never left. You never left Magnus, and I am not gonna leave you either. 

 

I know that I screwed up today, that I have let you down and that I should have believed you when you told me that you weren't Valentine. I just … at that moment, i was having this fight between my heart, which was telling me that it was you ; and my brain, which was telling me that it was Valentine because manipulating people is all he ever does. And I guess that since I had no one there... since that you weren 't there to tell me and guid me to listen to my heart, I just decided to believe the rational part of me, and I screwed it up ». 

 

_Wow_

 

Alec never thought that he could he speak without stuttering in front of Magnus for more than ten seconds, but apparently he can. The whole time that Alec was speaking, he kept looking at their hands still holding. He didn't want to look up and see Magnus, not yet. He still had things to say to him. 

 

«I know that you don't want to hear my apologies, so instead of saying sorry, I am gonna take care of you. But I can't take care of you if you don't let me in Magnus, you have to let me in, you have to let me take care of you. I want to help but you can't push me away, you don't have to, not anymore. You are hurting and seing you hurt it's … it's killing me and I have no idea how to help you apart from the fact that I can be present for you. I … I want to do what you did for me when I was having a bad time and when I was feeling down, I just want to be here. You don't have to do anything, you don't have to talk about … about these memories of yours. But it doesn't mean that I am not willing to listen, I am, and I will listen to you when you'll be ready. When you'll decide to share them with me, I will be here. Because that's all I want to do at this moment, I just want to be here for you. » 

 

And when he finally looked up at Magnus, he saw tears rolling down from Magnus' cheeks and land down at their hands. Alec gulped. He hated to see Magnus crying. That never happened before and he had no idea what to do. Gathering some senses, he let Magnus' hands go and placed each of his hands on Magnus' cheeks, and he let each of his thumbs to caress Magnus' tears away. 

 

Magnus kept looking at him, so Alec got closer to him, and saw Magnus closing his eyes. He got even closer and kissed Magnus' forehead, whispering a soft « I am not going away Magnus ». He heard Magnus' sobbing while his eyes were still closed. Alec kept pushing the tears away with his thumbs. Then he kissed Magnus' eyelids. First the left one and then the right one. 

And after that he brought their foreheads together and whispered one more time « I am not going away ». 

 

Then the next thing he knew, Magnus broke down. His shoulders were shaking and he was looking down, sobs were escaping his mouth, and tears were falling down from his still closed eyes. 

 

Alec did the same thing that Magnus did when he was crying. He moved his hands behind Magnus' back and pulled him towards himself, to hug him. Magnus led forward and put his head into Alec's shoulder and in the corner of his neck, using his own arms to hug Alec. 

 

Alec put his head, above Magnus' head and hugged him close. Alec lowered his head, and whispered in Magnus' ear : 

 

« It's okay Magnus, it's okay, hold on to me, just hold on to me » 

 

And Magnus hugged him with even more strengh. They were both holding into each other, never wanting to let go. Magnus kept crying and Alec kept whispering sweet words in his ears, patting Magnus' head and ruffling his hair. 

 

Alec couldn't hold his own tears back, hearing Magnus crying and his sobs, it broke him. So he just let his tears fall down without stopping them.

 

Alec didn't know how long they both sat there, clinging to each other, but Alec didn't want to let go. After what felt like hours, he heard Magnus' voice coming from where he was, he was still hugging Alec and hiding his face in his neck : 

 

« I ruined your shirt, it's all wet now » said Magnus apologetically, and Alec caressed Magnus' back and said « Don't worry about the shirt, I have plenty of them ». 

 

A few seconds passed, then Magnus moved away from him, and sat in front of him but he kept his head down. Alec hold Magnus hands again, like he did before, and not looking at Alec, Magnus spoke again :

 

« I am sorry » 

 

That startled Alec, « What are you apologizing for ? » asked Alec with confusing. 

 

Magnus didn't look up, he kept looking at their hands and said with a low voice «I never wanted you to see this terrible, ugly side of me. I didn't want you to see this weak side of me ». 

 

Alec's eyes widened and exclaimed « What ?! » He saw Magnus flinched, and cursed. 

 

«No Magnus, I am not mad at you... » 

 

And he saw Magnus bite his lips, maybe because he was nervous … or scared.

Sighing, Alec moved his hands towards Magnus' face and left it up so that he can look into Magnus' eyes, making sure that Magnus was looking into his eyes as well, 

 

« Crying is not ugly Magnus, and it's not weak. Actually being weak is okay. It only means that you have been strong for so long, and I am sure you did. And you don't have to apologize for that. You never have to apologize for that. Especially not to me. And there is nothing ugly about you. You are beautiful » Alec said with a little smile. 

Magnus was looking at him, with tears in his eyes, and it hurts Alec's heart to see him like that. 

Magnus closed his eyes for a few seconds and opened them again, and with question and confusion into his eyes, asked Alec : 

 

« Really ? » with maybe a little bit of hope in his voice. And Alec smiled. 

 

« Really » replied Alec, and kissed Magnus' forhead again, and moved away. He heard Magnus sigh and saw his little smile. 

 

Magnus used his hands to clean his face from his tears and looked at Alec. Alec looked back. Then Magnus yawned. 

 

 

He smiled then put his hands on Magnus' shoulders, «You should go to sleep, you need it, you seem tired Magnus ». 

 

Magnus looked at him with question in his eyes « But... didn't you want to know about my memories ? » 

 

« No Magnus » replied Alec softly while shaking his head, « I said that I will listen to it when you will be ready, are you ? » 

 

He saw Magnus gulping and shrugging. Then Alec cupped his face and asked him again, more softly this time. 

 

« Magnus, look at me in the eyes and tell me if you are ready to talk about what happened » 

 

Magnus looked down and shook his head. And then looked up suddenly. 

 

« I am sor- » 

 

« Don't apologize Magnus » interrupted Alec, « I told you that you can talk to me about it to me when you will be ready, so I am going to wait » 

 

Magnus smiled at him and whispered « Thanks Alexander ».

 

Alec smiled, then he slowly stood up and helped Magnus get up. 

 

« Come on, let's get you to bed » said Alec, and they made their way into Magnus' bedroom. Once they were there, Magnus got on his bed and lay down, Alec took the covers from the side of the bed, and put it on Magnus, covering him. 

 

He bent down, and asked « Do you want to sleep alone tonight ? » 

 

Magnus answer was quick, « Yes please » 

 

Alec didn't want to leave him alone so he asked « Can I sleep on the couch in the hall if you don't mind ? » 

 

Magnus smiled and nodded « I don't want to be alone » 

 

« You're not, not anymore » assured Alec. 

And then he bend forward and kissed Magnus' cheek, and whispered : 

 

« Goodnight Magnus » and Magnus closed his eyes saying « Goodnight Alexander ». 

 

Alec got up and got out of Magnus' bedroom. He went to the couch, laid down, and closed his eyes. 

 

Then, a few hours later, Alec got up straight like he was struck by a lightning bolt. He wondered for a few seconds why he did that. And he heard it again. 

 

That sound. 

 

That voice. 

 

That scream full of pain. 

 

« MAMA ! » coming from Magnus' room. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought about it :)
> 
> I don't know when I am gonna update the 4th chapter (the last chapter, like 100% the last one) because I am not at home all the time like I used to but it will definetely be before the end of this month ... 
> 
> Next chapter : Nightmares + Cuddles + More crying + Talks + Kisses + Magnus' POV and Alec's 
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus has a nightmare.   
> Alec takes care of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep changing my mind lol ... So this was supposed to be the last chapter but I got carried away and then it got 10 pages long on open office ^^" . I thought that if I keep writting it will be longer, so I decided to post this chapter and the next one (the last one) , which is already half written will be posted on Monday night before the new episode !

Alec got up straight like he was struck by a lightning bolt. He wondered for a few seconds why he did that. And he heard it again.  
  
That sound.  
  
That voice.  
  
That scream full of pain.  
  
« MAMA ! » coming from Magnus' room.  
  
Alec's POV   
  
Alec's first thought was "Magnus is in danger". He quickly got up from the couch and took his bow and quiver which he put next to the couch after they did the spell to switch back Magnus' and Valentine's bodies.   
He made his way towards Magnus' bedroom. Before making a decision he put his head close to the door thinking that maybe he could hear something. All he could hear was "Please please", and it was definetely Magnus' voice.   
  
_Someone is hurting him_ was what his mind thought about.   
_But how could someone get inside of Magnuss bedroom while the wards were still up ?_  
And before he could think any further he heard Magnus' scream again.   
  
"No no please"   
  
All rational decisions went out of his brain and Alec made the quick decision to kick the door open with his leg.   
  
But everything he saw in the room was darkness. He slowly came backwards and put the lights on.   
He quicly glaced left and right to make sure that no one was here in the same room as them.   
And the next thing he saw took his breath away.   
He never thought that there would be one day when he will be seeing Magnus this way.   
  
The blanket was on the floor instead of being on the bed, on Magnus. His boyfriend was tossing around in bed, clenching the bedsheets with his hands.   
His legs were kicking into the space and his head was moving left and right. Alec had no single idea about what was going on. So he walked slowly next to the bed. When he got close enough he noticed that Magnus' eyes were closed shut and tears were drowning from his eyes. Lot of tears.  
  
Then the realization hit him like a train.   
  
_Nightmare. Magnus is having a nightmare. Shit. What am I supposed to do ?_

  
Alec just stood there silent and without moving like a statue.   
Magnus' whimpering brought Alec back to reality.   
He clenched his fists, took a deep breath and moved slowly very close to Magnus.   
He hesitated to sit next to him on the bed but he did it anyway.   
Magnus didn't stop moving around and crying during his sleep.  
"Magnus wake up" whispered Alec. That didn't seem to change anything at all.   
So Alec reached out. He was sitting on the bed next to Magnus now. He reached out to Magnus. He grabbed his harm, and Magnus started to move even more than before, crying and whimpering in his sleep.   
  
Alec's heart was breaking.

  
 _He's in so much pain_  
  
He couldn't handle it anymore. He grabbed both of Magnus' arms and shaked him. Magnus begin to try to push his grip away so Alec got even closer and almost on top of Magnus.   
"Magnus wake up it's just a nightmare please wa-"   
  
He grunted in pain. Before he even got the chance to finish his sentence, Magnus hit him in the ribs with one of his leg.  
"No Mama Mama no" kept crying Magnus louder and louder.   
  
Alec was getting desesperate. And he was panicking. Alec had done this before.   
Growing up with Jace, his brother used to have lot of nightmares about his father when he was a kid. Alec just needed to bring Jace back to the present by shaking him until he woke up from it.   
  
But right now, he is clueless. Because this is not Jace, it's Magnus.   
This is still new. When they sleep together, Alec never felt Magnus waking up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. And Alec was never woke up with Magnus' screams of pain before. This was absolutely new to Alec and he has no idea how to make Magnus better.   
  
_Maybe shaking him like this is not the best thing to do_ , Alec thought.

  
He stopped grabbing Magnus' arms and placed his hands on Magnus' cheeks. They werr wet from the tears. As soon as Alec's fingers cleared down the tears from his face, Magnus stopped moving his head around.   
  
"It's okay Magnus, it's okay you are safe" whispered Alec. He leaned down and whispered sweet words into Magnus' ears.

 

 

It didn't seem to calm him down. Magnus started to tremble. Alec brought his hands to Magnus' arms and instead of grabbing them he just touched them and moved his hands up and down in order to calm Magnus.   
Magnus' legs kept kicking in the empty and he kept whimpering the same thing, " I am sorry I am so sorry"

  
Alec had no idea what to do next.   
  
"Magnus wake up it's just a nightmare come on ..." He was getting anxious now.   
He leaned down again but this time he kissed Magnus' forehead. Then he kissed Magnus' eyes. It seemed to calm Magnus down. It stopped his whimpering and he stopped moving but his eyes were still closed and he was still crying. His breath seemed to get a normal rate and Magnus seemed to be more calm. Alec stayed close to him. He brought their forehead together.   
  
"That's it Magnus open your eyes sweety it's just a bad dream" whispered Alec.   
  
Magnus, his eyes still closed, started to breath even faster. Alec didn't understand, he calmed him down just a minute ago.   
What shocked him even more is what happened next.   
  
Instead of whimpering, Magnus started to yell,   
  
"Tidak! Ayah tidak!"

 

Alec didn't understand it, it seemed to be in another langage, a langage that he didn't know ;

Magnus started to cry more and more and kick everywhere. But he wouldn't wake up.   
Suddenly Magnus had trouble breathing.   
All Alec could hear was Magnus ragged short breath, it's like he was trying to breath but he couldn't.   
Magnus almost looked like he was getting choked.

  
"No no no Magnus come on breathe for me please Magnus"  
Alec was getting scared, hell Alec was panicking. He was still on top of Magnus.  
He was terrified. He never saw Magnus like this before.   
  
_Did this ever happened to Magnus before?  
  
Who helped him then? How did they wake him up?  
  
How do I wake him up?_  
  
"Magnus snap out of it! You're scaring me Magnus!" Alec was pratically yelling right now.   
  
But Magnus wasn't hearing him. Whatever nightmare he was trapped in, he seamed like he was getting choked and in so much pain. He seems scared as much as Alec was right now.   
Magnus was battling his arms away trying to push Alec away.   
  
Making his mind, Alec took both of Magnus' arms in his hands and pulled them together. Then he used one of his hands to hold both of Magnus' hands between them so that Magnus wouldn't hurt him or himself.   
  
"Magnus breathe please, you are safe, you are safe Magnus, it's just a nightmare open your eyes please".   
  
Alec leaned down on top of Magnus even more. There was almost no space between the two of them.   
  
Magnus was still having problem to breathe properly.  
Alec brought his face down and now was hugging Magnus.   
One of his hand was holding both of Magnus' down. Magnus was still struggling to push Alec away but Alec hold his hands down between them. His other hand was on Magnus' cheek cleaning his tears away with his thumbs.  
Alec's head was now between Magnus' neck and shoulders.   
  
"You're safe, you're safe, Magnus, open your eyes" kept whispering Alec in Magnus' ears.   
  
"Please please Magnus" Alec felt his own tears falling from his face, mixing with Magnus' tears.  
He was kissing Magnus' cheek and neck and shoulder and kept whispering soothing words in an attempt to calm Magnus down and wake him up.  
Thankfully, Magnus' breath came back with a jolt of his body. Alec draw back from the hug, he let go of Magnus' hands and brought his hands to Magnus' face to cup both of his cheeks.

  
"That's it Magnus, keep breathing just like that, in and out, in and out, slowly, in and out..." whispered Alec, keeping his face as close as possible to Magnus'.  
After what felt like forever to Alec, Magnus' breath came back to normal, his eyes were still closed but his arms and legs stopped moving.

 

Alec brought their foreheads together again and took a deep breath. He kept pushing Magnus' tears away with his thumbs. And he didn't stop whispering sweet things to Magnus and he waited for Magnus to wake up. Magnu's shirt was all sweaty.

  
 _He must be feeling uncomfortable. He needs to change his clothes again..._  
  
Finally, Alec saw Magnus' eyelids moving. He was slowly opening his eyes.   
  
"That's it you're doing amazing Magnus, come back to me, it's ok" whispered Alec, and to make Magnus feel safe, he was brushing his cheeks with his thumbs.   
Magnus eyes were opening.

The first thing that Alec noticed was that, Magnus' eyes were written confusion all over, then he saw Magnus' eyes going wide then Magnus started to panick.   
"Let me go! Get off of me! Don't hurt me please let go" started screaming Magnus. He started to start fighting Alec again by trying to push him away with his hands. Magnus was crying and closed his eyes shut once more while screaming.   
Alec felt like Magnus didn't know where he was and that Alec was with him and that he wasn't going to hurt him.   
Alec tried to grab Magnus' hands again but he noticed red sparkles coming from Magnus' fingers but it wasn't hurting him. He thought that if he doesn't bring Magnus bake to his sense, then he might get hurt because Magnus is scared so he might try to protect himself by using his magic.

  
Alec brought his hands to Magnus' shoulders this time and placed them there. Magnus' was whimpering and moving his head to left and right pushing his head into the pillow like he was trying to hide.   
  
"Hey Magnus it's alright you are safe it's me it's Alec, Magnus I am not going to harm you, you are safe, it's okay Magnus, Magnus come on look at me, open your eyes" said Alec, while shaking Magnus by his shoulders a little.   
Magnus didn't stop crying and whimpering, he kept whispering "please please no" and Alec heart was breaking. He had no idea what Magnus was dreaming about, but if he got this reaction from Magnus then it must be something pretty terrible and bad. And then Magnus' voice came in his mind.

 

_«  That agony rune … made me relieve memories I've spent centuries to forget »  
_

_The agony rune. Damn it._  
  
Alec was getting more and more desesperate. Then an idea came to him.   
  
"Magnus, Magnus it's me, it's Alexander"

  
And all of a sudden Magnus' hands stopped moving, but he kept his eyes closed. Then he whispered "Alexander?"   
"Yes yes Magnus, it's me, it's your Alexander, open your eyes and look at me please, please, open your eyes for me, Magnus" whispered Alec to Magnus desesperatly.   
Magnus opened his eyes again. It felt like realization drawn into his eyes and finally found out that Alec was on top of him and not someone else.

  
"Alexander" whispered brokenly Magnus, his lips trembling, and a few tears escaping his eyes to land on the pillow.   
Alec got closer to him,until their noses bumped into each other.   
"Hey there, it's okay Magnus, you're awake now, it's okay" said Alec while moving his hands back where they were, on Magnus' cheeks, he cleaned his tears away again. "You scared me there for a second" Alec told him.   
  
Magnus felt confused, and moved his head left and right to check for something or someone.   
Alec saw that and felt like he needed to reassure Magnus and stop Magnus from panicking again.   
"Hey no one is here Magnus, no one is gonna hurt you I promise" said Alec.   
  
"No you don't understand, he is here, he is here, he is gonna kill me Alexander" replied Magnus crying even more. "Please don't let him get me please please Alexander" cried Magnus while grabbing Alec's shirt and hiding into his neck.  
"Please don't leave me Alec please"   
Alec kept holding Magnus against him.

 

He brought Magnus' head into his neck, and hold him there. One of his hands was behind Magnus' head, ruffling his hair. His other hand was on Magnus' hips, keeping him close.   
Magnus kept crying and saying the words "He is here he is here" over and over again.   
"It's just you and me Magnus. It's just us, no one else is here to hurt you, it's just you and me, it's just you and me sweetheart, just you and me" kept whispering Alec in Magnus' ear.   
  
Somehow Magnus' hands moved to Alec's hip, and Magnus was hugging him with a firm grasp and Alec was hugging him back with the same strenght.   
Then a few seconds later, Magnus moved his head back to and it was put back on the pillow. He was now facing Alec with his eyes red and teary.   
"Just you and me?" asked Magnus with his hoarse voice from all the crying and screaming.   
Alec smiled sadly and said "That's right Magnus, just you and me and no one else"   
  
"Are you sure?" whispered slowly Magnus.   
  
Alec was caressing Magnus' cheek now, and nodded with his head and answered "I am sure Magnus".   
  
"Do you promise? Are you sure they are not here?" asked Magnus with a little voice almost like he was whispering because 'they' would hear him.   
  
Alec frowned and asked with confusion "They? Who are they Magnus?"   
  
Magnus answer was quick but quiet and with a broken voice " My mother and father"  
  
Now Alec was lost.

 

_Why would Magnus be scared of his parents?  
Did they hurt him?' _

Alec quickly shook his head to clear his brain from all the questions and concentred about Magnus. He needed to make Magnus felt safe.   
  
"No they are not here Magnus I promise alright? You were having a nightmare Magnus. I heard your screams and then I ran to your room and you were having a nightmare. I checked your room before I swear no one is here" reassured Alec.   
  
"A nightmare?" Magnus asked with a frown   
"Yes a nightmare" replied slowly Alec.   
  
"It felt so real, I thought I was back there with them" whispered Magnus looking down and Alec saw a few tears falling down from his eyes. Alec used his hands to clean them away then whispered   
  
"It was just a nightmare alright? You are not there with them and they are not here with you. It's only me okay? No one else is here" said Alec to Magnus, bringing one of his hand to Magnus forehead to push his hair away which were stick to his forehead because of the sweat caused by the nightmare.   
  
Magnus leaned into his touch, so Alec brought both of his hands to Magnus' face and caressed his cheeks. They were both looking into each other eyes now. Magnus' eyes were puffy and red and especially tired from all the crying. Alec saw into these eyes a kind of fear so he leaned down and kissed them. First the right eye, then the left one. Just like he did before this day. Magnus' grip tightened on his hips and his lips started to tremble and before he knew Magnus started crying again. Alec hugged him with all his strenght and love and he let Magnus cry into his shoulders.   
They both were crying. Magnus, because of the nightmare, the pain, and fear he felt during the nightmare and probably from the relief now because he found out that it wasn't real and all of that was just a nightmare.

  
And Alec from sadness and anger. Sadness because he had no idea that he would have to see this side of Magnus. He always saw Magnus as someone strong and happy,smiling all the time, telling jokes and making everyone around him happy. And Alec was just realizing that all that was just a wall, a wall hiding another Magnus. A Magnus who was hurt and scared and in pain. And no one saw that before. No one saw the real Magnus. So he was angry. He was angry at himself. That to see this Magnus, Magnus had to be tortured by that agony rune. And he was angry at of all these people. At the people who hurt him, who made Magnus have nightmares at this point that he was utterly terrified.

 

Alec felt like an hour passed before Magnus spoke again.   
"I am sorry" said Magnus.   
"What are you sorry for?" asked Alec in return.   
Alec waited for the answer for a few seconds but the answer didn't came. So he moved his head backwards so that he could see Magnus' face.   
He lift Magnus' chin with his hand and asked again "What are you apologizing for Magnus?"   
  
Magnus bite his lower lip and Alec saw his lips tremble, and a few tears falling from his eyes, again. Then, what he heard next broke his heart.  
  
"Because I am a broken mess" and before Alec could say anything, he saw more tears drowning on Magnus' cheeks. Magnus' brought his hand back and washed away his own tears away angrily with the sleeve of his shirt. And he said again "I am sorry I am broken".   
  
"Magnus no hey look at me" said Alec. Magnus looked up at him. His eyes full of pain, fear, and maybe a tiny little bit of hope.

Pain because of his nightmares.   
Fear that Alec will leave now that he saw his vulnerable side of him.   
Hope, a little bit of hope, that maybe, just maybe, Alec won't leave. And Alec has no intention of leaving Magnus. At all.   
Alec looked back at him with all determination and fierce.   
  
"You're not broken. You're the strongest person that I ever had the good fortune to meet. To become friend with. To love. You're not broken Magnus. And you're not a mess. You're just ... you have just been hurt so many times. Maybe you have been hurt in your past, and then the thing with Valentine happened, the agony rune and now these nightmares, whatever they are, I know you are scared and hurt by it. And it's totally okay. It's okay to be scared and asking for help. You've been living for so long and you're still here, still waking up every morning and being yourself and making everybody who are around you smile and happy. If there is one thing that you are, it's not broken, it's strong. And a survivor and I love you okay? I love you so much" said Alec bringing their forehead together and pushing Magnus' tears away with his fingers.

 

Alec saw that Magnus was looking at him like he just offered him the moon. His eyes were full of tears, but he saw love in them, not fear, he saw adoration, not pain, and he saw wonder in his look. Before he could ask Magnus what he was thinking and why was he looking at him this way, Magnus took Alec's collar with his hands and brought him down and kissed him. Alec's eyes got wide at the sudden movement and the sudden kiss, but he quickly pushed away his shock and closed his eyes to savour the kiss. Both of their eyes were closed. Their lips were moving along almost as if they were dancing, they were kissing each other like there was nothing more important than this.   
Alec felt Magus' tears on his lips, but it didn't stop him. He put all his love, his will, and relief into that kiss. It was sweet and felt like he was on clouds. Magnus was holding Alec' face between his hands.Well, one of his hand was behind Alec's neck to bring him even closer. And the other hand was on his cheek.   
  
When Alec felt like it was getting hard to breathe, he pulled back. They both were breathing hard. Magnus' cheeks were pink, he was blushing and biting his lower lip.   
  
_God he is adorable_  
  
"What was that for?" asked Alec breathlessly with a wide smile.   
  
Magnus shrugged and replied "Just... thank you Alexander. For... not leaving me and loving me-"   
  
"Magnus you never have to thank me for loving you" interrupted Alec.   
  
"I know, I just wanted you to know that I am grateful for giving me what I never had. I ... I love you too Alexander" whispered Magnus looking straight into Alec's eyes.   
  
Alec smiled and kissed Magnus' left cheek. "I know you do" replied Alec then Magnus smiled at him.   
  
Alec cleaned away the rest of the tears which were on Magnus' face. He took a deep breath and then,   
  
"You should take another shower Magnus, and change your clothes, it will make you more comfortable with your clothes, because you're kind of sweaty now" said Alec with a chuckle.   
Magnus smiled, "I know, I should do that".   
  
Alec nodded, but they weren't moving. They were both looking into each other eyes and smiling while doing so.   
  
With a little shake of his head and a smile, Magnus pushed away Alec,   
  
"Let me get up" said Magnus while laughing a little.   
  
Alec moved away on the other side of the bed with a groan, but still smiling. He got up and crossed his legs on the bed and watched Magnus getting up from the bed, standing up and looking at him with a frown.   
  
"You should change your shirt too, it's all messy with my sweat and all" said Magnus gesturing with his hands.   
  
Alec looked down on himself. "But I didn't bring any clothes with me, and the clothes I left here they all are in the dirty laundry" replied Alec.   
  
Magnus moved in his room and got in front of his wardrobe and he picked a pyjama for himself, then left the wardrobe open and he turned back to Alec,   
  
"You can pick some clothes of mine if it doesn't bother you" answered Magnus unsure.   
  
Alec's eyes widden, and he blushed.  
"Hum ... are you sure? I mean... doesn't it bother you? That- I... hum, that someone-" started stammering Alec.   
  
"Alexander" interrupted Magnus, Alec looked at him. Magnus was grinning, "You can do what you want here. If it doesn't bother you, you can choose a clothing of mine, or you can wander around being shirtless" said Magnus still grinning.   
  
Alec mouth was hanging open with shock. He was sure he was now crimson red. He looked down at himself then up at Magnus.   
  
"Hum ... I am gonna wander around with clothes I think, I mean I am sure, I am gonna, hum, choose something from your wardrobe, yeah, I am gonna change my shirt" stuttered Alec.   
  
Shaking his head with a little smile, Magnus looked at Alec and said "Okay I am gonna take my shower then"   
  
"Take your time Magnus" answered Alec.   
  
Magnus gave him a smile, then turned back and went into the bathroom of his and closed the door.  
  
Alec released a deep breath then got out of the bed. Looking at the bed, he noticed that the bedsheet wasn't really in place and that the blanket was still on the floor. So he decided to change them, and also the pillows, because they were wet with Magnus' tears, and take the blanket.   
He take them all down and put them on a chair at the corner of the room. And he went to the closet where Magnus put the clean bedsheets, blankets and pillows. He picked what he needed and quickly put them on place on the bed.   
  


He then made his way to Magnus' wardrobe. Getting there he opened it and what was in there made Alec's eyes go wide and his mouth in shock again.   
Alec never went through Magnus' wardrobe before. He never needed to. The clothes he leaves in Magnus' loft are usually on the couch or on a chair.

 

Magnus' wardrobe was ... well, really big, there were a lot of clothes, shirts, pants, pyjamas, jewelry. The fact that Magnus had tons of clothes wasn't what shocked Alec. What shocked him was that Magnus' clothes were ... colourfull, flashy even.   
There was clothes of all colours. Blue, red, purple, yellow, green and even pink!  
  
 _'This is just so Magnus_ thought Alec with a little smile.

  
Sighing, he started to look for something less colourfull, like black or grey.   
With absolute horror, he found nothing! But Magnus did wear black clothes, especially suits but still, he must have at least a black shirt doesn't he?   
  
Still finding nothing after checking the whole wardrobe, Alec went to knock on the bathroom door.   
  
"Magnus?" called Alec.   
  
"Alexander? What is it? Is there a problem?"   
  
"What? No hum there is no problem... Actually there may be...but I - I don't ..."   
  
"Alexander you're rambling again" answered Magnus. He could hear Magnus' little laugh behind the bathroom' door.   
  
"Right hum... you don't have... you don't have black or grey clothes?" asked Alec.

 

A few seconds of silence later, he heard Magnus' voice.   
"Alexander I don't wear black clothes".   
  
"Of course you do! I saw it!" exclaimed Alec, "You wore black suits sometimes, you did that even today! ".   
  
"Well yes, but if you can't find any black clothes left in the wardrobe now, it's probably because all of them are in the dirty laundry Alec" replied Magnus.

 

"But ... I am not gonna wear pink or yellow shirts!"   
  
"I mean if you don't want to wear colour clothes you can still wander around shirtless" said Magnus with a laugh.   
  
Alec blushed "You really want me shirtless do you?"   
  
"Maaaaybe" answered Magnus. Alec was sure that he was smiling or grinning.  
  
With a muffled laugh he went back to the wardrobe.   
He went through the clothes again and picked a long-sleeved white shirt with big black stripes.

The wind was blowing hard this night. He could hear the branches of the trees moving in all directions, so it was colder than usual, then wearing this shirt seems to be a good idea. It could keep him warm.   
He quickly took down the shirt he was wearing, put it on the same chair were he left the bedsheets he took off, then wore the new long sleeved-shirt. Magnus' shirt was squeezing him a little bit because it wasn't exactly Alec' size.   
Taking a breath, he took a glance at the clock in Magnus' bedroom.   
  
It was three o'clock in the morning?!

 _Shit_ thought Alec.   
  
Magnus' ate at least four hours ago. And he just woke up from a nightmare ...   
Making up his mind, he made his way towards Magnus' little desk. He picked up a pen and a little paper, wrote down something, then put the little paper on Magnus' bed so that Magnus would see it as soon as he would get out of the bathroom.   
He then put back the pen on the desk then made his way towards the kitchen to make something to eat for Magnus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Traduction of "Tidak! Ayah tidak!" : "No! Dad no!"   
> I don't know Indonesian so I used google translation, but I don't know if it's the real translation. So if it's not and someone know how we say "No! Dad no" in Indonesian, let me know! :) 
> 
> Thank you all for reading! 
> 
> Next chapter : Magnus tells Alec about his nightmare so aaaaangst :D 
> 
> Comment and kudos are always appreciated :D


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter everyone! Enjoy :) 
> 
> Also it is actually one o'clock in the morning here so i probably made some typing mistakes here and there so i am sorry about that. I just checked it out this morning and corrected these ridiculous mistakes.

Magnus turned down the water in the bathroom and put his pajamas on. 

He came in front of his mirror to put some cream on his face. He looked back at his reflection.

The dry tears which were on his face a few minutes ago weren't there anymore thanks to the shower and neither was the sweat.  
He opened the small cupboard and took out the cream he needed.  
Looking back at his reflection, Magnus started to put some of that cream on both of his cheeks, then used both of his hands to finish the work.  
Closing the cream, he put it back in the cupboard. He looked up into the mirror.  
Suddenly, all of the voices from his nightmare, more like nightmares, came back into his mind. 

'Killer'  
'Abomination'  
'Monster'  
'Disgrace'  
'Unworthy of love'  
'Son of a demon'  
'Useless'  
'Never should have been born'  
'I should kill you'  
'I should kill you'  
'kill you'  
'kill you'  
'kill-"

The sound of a class getting broken got Magnus out of his thoughts. Magnus looked away from the mirror and get closer to the door, 

"Alexander?" called out Magnus, he got no answer.  
"Alec is everything okay?" asked Magnus a little louder. He could hear some noises probably out of the bedroom and a voice cursing, definitely Alexander's. 

Then Alec replied, he was kind of yelling at this point.  
"Yes everything is fine I just broke a glass, don't worry about it just take your time in the shower" 

"Alright then" yelled back Magnus.

With a sigh, he looked around in the bathroom, not feeling like getting out of here yet.  
Then, he looked back at the mirror. His face was free of make-up, natural now, just like it was before he went to sleep. But somehow, this was different. He looked ... tired. That's how he felt though, tired that he has to fight these memories once again. 

He felt like all the past bad things, everything that had gone wrong in his life came back to haunt him in his dreams. He wasn't surprise really.

He always knew that theses memories were never gonna go away, but he always believed that he won't have to wake up screaming in pain because of these anymore. This haven't happen to him in a long time. The last time he had a nightmare about "them" was a long time ago, almost a few centuries ago. 

He actually never had the time to think about his past life during these past few years. Especially these past few months since he met the Lightwoods.  
He always thought as busy as he was, with the Soul Sword, Valentine and his demons, he will be pretty occupied trying to save everyone's lifes, that he forgot that he has to protect himself from Valentine and others demons too. 

His mind went back to Azazel and he shuddered suddenly, what happened in these past few hours came back in front of his eyes. He closed his eyes, lowered his head and put his hands on the both side of the sink to balance himself.  
Of all the terrible things he had to go through in his life, this was probably the most terrifying thing that he was going to have to live with.  
The fact that Azazel switched Valentine's and his bodies ...  
Just thinking about it made a shiver run through his whole body and a sob escaped from his mouth. He moved his left hand in front of his mouth to silence it. He never felt violated in this way before. Something like this never happened to him. He never let anyone hurt him this way. Not that he could have done anything to stop Azazel, since he was such a powerful Greater Demon, but still, he was one too wasn't he? 

How can he be the High Warlock of Brooklyn and let someone hurt him this way, thought bitterly Magnus.  
Not only he felt scared and disgusted at the thought that Valentine was once out there, free, using his own body while he was himself locked up in a cell, but he now also felt weak. 

 

Before he could stop himself, he thought about the moments when he was in that cell at the Institute.  
Feeling trapped there, where no one seemed to recognize him was a pure torture. Speaking, about torture, he thought about that agony rune. That agony rune which brought about memories that he spend centuries to forget.  
Memories that, until now, made his heart hurt everytime he has even a single little thought about it. But he never had to relived this moments.  
Until now, there were some days that he would think about what happened with them. But he never felt the same way he felt now.  
But now, because of what the agony rune did, in that cell he felt like he was back there,in the past, in that terrible and worse chapter of his life.  
The fear he felt back there when Imogen tried to killed him thinking he was Valentine... If it wasn't due to Alexander he wouldn't be standing here alive. 

'Alexander'  
Taking a deep breath he shook his head to clear all these thoughts which now were no use. 

He heard little noises from the kitchen and footsteps coming towards the bedroom. He quickly put his slippers, took the towel, and got out of the bathroom and made his way towards the bed. He saw a paper on the bed and took it.  
It was in Alexander's writting. 

"I am in the kitchen making you something. Dry your hair well or you will get sick. 

Alec."

He smiled and put the paper down on the desk and used his towel to dry his hair.  
He heard the bedroom door getting oppened and turned to face Alec. He saw Alec with a cup in his hands. He smiled at him. 

"My shirt suits you Alexander" 

Alec looked down at himself then blushed and nodded slowly. He made his way towards the bed and sat down on it and moved around so that his back would be leaning on the headboard. 

When Alec looked up to see Magnus again, the first thought that came to his mind was

'Could he get cuter than this?'  

In fact, Magnus was wearing a light blue pajamas with little rabbits heads everywhere. And he was also wearing dark blue slippers. His hairs were a little messy because of the shower and probably still a little wet from here and there. Magnus had a towel in his hands and he brought it on his head to clean his hair, while smiling at him, then Magnus' eyebrows went up and he grinned. 

Alec suddenly realized that he was staring at Magnus but he didn't say anything else.  
Clearing his throat, he moved a little on the left side of the bed, and he patted at the place next to him, 

"Come and sit down here" said Alec smiling a little, still holding a cup with one of his hands.  
Magnus smiled, and he turned his back at him, to put the towel on the chair where he usually put some of his used clothes, and he noticed the bedsheets, pillows and the blanket that were a few minutes ago on the bed. He turned back to Alec with a frown and asked with atonishement, 

"You changed my bed?" 

Alec's eyes widden, then he blushed, before replying, 

"Uh yeah I did, they were a little messy so I thought I would change it to make you more comfortable to sleep again ... I am sorry if you didn't want me to do that, I-" 

"No no it's ok, it's not that I am bothered by it. I was just surprised Alec, I mean ..." replied Magnus. 

"You mean what?" asked softly Alec 

Bitting his lips, Magnus put his towel on the chair behind him without leaving Alec' eyes.  
Sighing, he made his way towards the bed and stood in front of him.

"It's just that I don't remember the last time someone did that to make 'me' feel comfortable" answered Magnus lowering his head. 

"Oh..." whispered Alec, then moved his free hand towards Magnus, indicating him to take it. Magnus looked up in his eyes then looked down  at Alec's hands, smiling a little he moved to hold Alec's hand in his own, then Alec pulled him forward so that Magnus would be facing him on the bed. Magnus sat down on the bed and move to adjust himself and rested his back against the headboard to sit next to Alec. 

Their shoulders were touching, Alec was holding a cup in his hand, and the other hand was still holding Magnus' hand. They both were smiling at each other. Then Alec said, 

"Well I think that now you have someone who's willing to do things to make you confortable". 

And he squeezed Magnus' hand.  
"Thank you Alexander" said Magnus honestly and with a serious smile. 

"You're welcome Magnus. Oh! I almost forgot! Here, I made you this. I broke a glass by mistake in the kitchen, I cleaned it up don't worry. So, right, hum, here take this and be careful it's a little hot" said Alec, and moved the cup towards Magnus. Magnus let go of Alec's hands to hold the cup between both of his hands. Alec was right, it was warm, but not a lot so it was okay. And it smelled really good. He knew it was a mundane drink. He looked into the cup and smiled. 

"Hot chocolate" 

Alec still having that little smile of his, replied 

"Yeah ... I used to make this to my siblings, especially Jace when he used to have nightmares. And it helped him calm down and relaxed a little so I thought that I could do the same for you. But if you don't like this I can bring you something else, coffee or anything, I-"  

"Alec" gently interrupted Magnus, "I love hot chocolate, it has been a few months that I had this drink, I usually made them myself but they weren't quit good, so I started to buy them at the store. But I kept some of the ingredients just in case. I assume that you finished them, there wasn't a lot of it". 

"No there wasn't but it was enough so that's okay. Come on, drink and tell me how it tastes" 

"I am sure it's delicious" answered Magnus grinning. 

"Well I want you to confirm it" said Alec blushing a little. 

So Magnus brought the cup to his lips, carefull not to burn his lips, and took a little sip. The liquid was warm and tasted really good, the warm taste went through his throat, then his belly. 

"It tastes amazing Alexander, really" told Magnus with a bright a smile. Alec smiled in return then nodded at him, gesturing at him to keep drinking. So he did. He kept taking little sips, savouring the taste. 

Alec was silent next to him. He was looking down at his lap where his hands rested. His fingers were playing with the bottom of his shirt. He wasn't looking up. He seemed to be in deep thoughts. 

Looking back at the cup he was holding, Magnus took the last sips, and finished his drinking. He then put the cup on the desk next to him. Then crossed his legs and put both of his hands on both of his knees.  
Taking a deep breath, Magnus looked back at Alec. 

"You have questions about my nightmares don't you? '' 

Alec suddenly looked like he was caught doing something wrong and bite his lower lip. Then he nodded and quickly said "Sorry". 

"It's okay to be curious Alexander, you don't have to be sorry for that" answered Magnus. Then he noticed Alec shaking his head and replying "I am not curious". 

Magnus gave him a questionning look. 

"What?"

"I am not curious Magnus. I am worried" said Alec. 

Now it was Magnus' turn to look confused.

He looked at Alec. He was looking at him straight in the eyes. And all he could see in Alec's eyes was honesty.  
"What are you worried about?" 

Alec gulped and dropped his shoulders like he was carrying the weight of the world upon them. 

"Tonight ...when you were having that nightmare... I never saw you like that. I don't think that I ever want to see you like that anymore... with so much pain and fear. I ... I am worried that it will come back. Your nightmare... whatever it was... it was caused because of the agony rune wasn't it? The dreams you were having tonight... they were from your past weren't they?" asked Alec looking at him. All that Magnus saw in his eyes was concern and ... love. 

Taking a shuddering breath,Magnus looked away from Alec to stare at the wall in front of them. 

"Yes" whispered Magnus. "The agony rune brought back horrible memories from my past that ... were quite hard to forget... and now I can't stop thinking about it.  
After you kissed me goodnight and left the bedroom, I was staring at the ceiling wide awake for at least 30 minutes. I wanted to sleep, I was exhausted, all I wanted to do was sleep. But at the same time I didn't want to because I know that my memories will come back to haunt me in the forms of nightmares. So I just ... laid awake, hoping that the morning will come quick. But before I knew I felt asleep. I wasn't aware that I was asleep. The nightmare ... it made me feel like I just went back into time and I was a kid again. I didn't even thought about the fact that, that was a nightmare. And I couldn't stop those feelings. That ... loneliness, fear and pain. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't ..." finished Magnus with a trembling voice. 

The whole time he was looking down at his lap. He didn't want to look up and see Alec.  
'What if he had enough of him now?' 

'Knowing that his past was a terrible one, he might wonder that his present and future might be awful too wouldn't he?' 

'What if he finally saw the real broken Magnus Bane and got tired of him?' 

'What if-' 

The next thought was cut off from his mind the moment Alec's hand moved to wipe away the tears that was falling down on his cheeks.  
Magnus was startled. He didn't even know he was crying until he felt Alec's hand on his cheek. He closed his eyes and turned his head towards Alec, keeping his head down. He then saw Alec' another hand moving then it came to rest on his another cheek to clean the tears away of that side. 

"Magnus look at me" whispered Alec, almost pleading.  
Magnus shook his head and replied with a little voice "No". 

"Magnus please" asked again, Alec. Releasing a deep breath Magnus looked up and stared right into Alec eyes. 

Alec eyes were shiny. Magnus frowned in confusion and worry. 

"Alec are you okay?"  
Alec smiled and sniffled, blinked back the tears and looked back at Magnus. 

Lowering both of his hands from Magnus' cheeks, Alec put his hands on Magnus' and held them. 

He heard Alec sighing, then he looked down at their hands and started talking. 

"When I was a kid, mostly a teenager, I knew there was something different about me, different about the way I felt, especially towards boys. I always knew that I couldn't walk around inside of the Institute showing people the real me. I was scared, frightened even, at the thought that one day they will find about me being gay and shut me out of the Institute.  
So I hide, from everyone, I battled up my emotions and feelings, and I started to follow every orders that people would throw at me. I was a soldier during the day but at night ..." paused Alec with a little shake of his head. Magnus couldn't see his face. Alec head was down. But he could feel that he was fighting the tears back. Deciding to comfort Alec in any way possible, he took Alec's hands in his and squeezed, then he let his fingers caress the back of his hands.  
Then Alec looked up.

His eyes were full of hurt and pain but he wasn't crying, like Magnus thought he would, he was holding back the tears. Then he started talking again.

"At night, I couldn't sleep. I used to stay awake for hours. My brain couldn't stop thinking about all the bad things that could happen if they found out about my ... situation. And then when I fell asleep without knowing and I had these dreams. Mostly the Clave finding out about how I feel. Then forbidding me to ever step a foot at the Institute, me getting de-runed, losing my siblings and my parents because of it. It was just nightmares but they always felt real you know. I don't scream if I have nightmares,I was always silent. So it went like that for years and years. Every time I woke up in the middle of the night lost and confused. Then when I realize that I was just dreaming I curled up into a ball and stay awake the rest of the night. I'd do that everytime I had a nightmare. Then one day, I don't know how it happened, but I was having a nightmare, but I felt someone with me that night. I felt a hand wipping away my tears and caressing my hair while whispering sweet things and telling me to wake up. It was the first time that I felt safe that night. Even if I was asleep and trapped in a nightmare I felt something, someone holding me back and comforting me" continued Alec with a soft smile on his face. Magnus was smiling too, a few tears escaped his eyes during Alec's story. 

Then Magnus sniffed and asked, "Who was it? That person with you that night?" 

Alec looked at him with a shy smile and answered "Isabelle. It was Izzy".

"I don't know how she ended up being in my bedroom. But she was there. I was crying during my nightmare and she was there with me. I heard her voice. And then when I woke up she was there, holding me and telling me that It would be alright. That day I didn't tell her what I dreamed about. I didn't need to, because I think she knew. I don't how and when but she knew. So after I woke up, she didn' ask me anything. She laid beside me, then we both fell asleep. The next morning I woke up alone, and even when we met in the hallway, she didn't ask me anything about it. She just smiled at me and she said "Whatever you need I am here for you brother". Then she walked away. The next time I had a nightmare, Izzy wasn't there and then I realized that I needed her. Without even thinking about it, I got out of my room and went to hers, I woke her up and we spend the night talking about everything and anything at all before we fell asleep. So everytime I had a nightmare, I went to her. Because she always knew how to make me feel better. One night, Izzy and Max, were sleeping in my room. Max was asleep since a long time ago. It was just Izzy and me. And I don't know why but I just started to tell her everything about what happened in my dreams. The things I saw, that I felt and that I was scared of. She didn't speak. She just hold me and let me speak. Then when I was done she just hugged me. Like, she didn't say anything. She just took me in her arms and hugged me. So since then, I always go to Izzy when I have a bad dream. Talking, sharing, it helps Magnus. It really does. I don't know if you have done this before. Talking about your past with anyone but ... I promise that if you want to talk about it, I will be here for you" finished Alec while taking Magnus' hands back into his.  
Magnus' eyes were teary. He was debating with himself. He wanted to tell Alec everything, he wanted to tell him so much but at the same time he just can't.

"You don't understand" said Magnus while shaking his head. 

"I don't understand what?" softly asked Alec. 

"You won't look at me the same way if you knew about my past" replied Magnus letting his head fall down. 

"Magnus..." whispered Alec, Magnus kept his head down. What Alec asked him next made him look up abruptly. 

"Do you love me?" 

"What that has to do-?" 

Alec interrupted him again, asking him with his softest voice. 

"Do you love me?" 

"More than anyone" replied Magnus with a deep breath. 

Alec smiled. "Do you trust me?" 

"More than myself" answered Magnus with all honesty. 

Alec moved to get close to Magnus. "Then ... if you trust me, will you believe me if I tell you that whatever your past is, it will never, ever change the way I feel about you?" 

Magnus looked down, "Everyone said that, but then when they saw the real me, they run away" 

Sighing, Alec brought his hand to lift Magnus' chin and made him look up.  
" Magnus, I love you, there is nothing which will make me stop loving you" said Alec with a little bit of desesperation in his voice. 

Biting his lip, Magnus looked at Alec, then started to talk. 

"I am so used of hiding myself in front of others, I was ... hurt so many times that... I don't want to do that anymore. But the thing is... I don't want to hide myself from you Alec" replied Magnus. Tears were rolling on his face and Alec's heart broke seeing them. He gave Magnus' hands a gentle squeeze to show him support, love, then nodded to show him that he was ready to hear more. 

"All my life, I never showed myself at the open to anyone. With everything that I went through, every person who knew even a single thing about my past and me, they got weirded out and left me. So, I started to build these walls around my heart, and myself, so that I could keep the true Magnus hidden so it wouldn't hurt anymore. In every relationship I was, I never had to talk about my past life because no one cared enough to ask. Some of them cared enough to tell me that they didn't need to know about my past because it didn't matter. But meeting you... I have never cared about anyone the way I care for you. With others everything that I ever wanted to do was to hide, to bury my past as far away as I could. But with you, I don't want to hide, not from you. I want to be myself around you, not worrying about the fact that my past will come back at me and bite in the face I ..." paused Magnus, swallowing a gulp, and wipping away his tears with his sleeves angrily.  
Alec's hands were now holding both of his hands, and he was running his thumbs up and down to comfort him. 

Taking a deep breath again, he kept his head not ready to look at Alec for now.

"I want to put the walls down around you, I want you to see the real me, my true self. And when I think about all the time I used to do that with my ... old relationships, and how it went down, I got scared. I don't want you to look at me with disgust and hatred-" Magnus started to get agitated and before he could continue, Alec brought his hands to Magnus' face and made him look up. 

"There is nothing that you could possibly do or say to make me hate you or to make me look at you with disgust. Never, do you understand?" asked Alec with a voice full of certitude and love.  
"I don't know what you went through during all these years, I don't know why you are scared to tell me about your parents, I don't know what happened with them, I don't know what you did in your past. But there is never gonna be a day that I will look at you with hatred in my eyes alright?" 

"You don't know anything about my parents and what I am..."

"Magnus ... can I ask you something?" 

Magnus frowned but nodded yes anyway.  
"When you found out that I was a Lighwood, the son of the people who were once in the Circle, along with Valentine, did you hate me for that? Did you think that I was like them?" asked Alec. 

Magnus' eyes widden in shock. "Alec no never, I-" 

"So you don't blame me because of my parents?" asked again Alec. 

"Of course not!" exclaimed Magnus. 

"Why not?" 

"Well ... because your parents don't define you and-" 

"Exactly! And whatever happened with your parents in your past, it doesn't define you either" answered Alec. Before Magnus could tell him otherwise, Alec continued. 

"Your past isn't your present Magnus. It's just a part of you" 

Magnus released a shuddering breath and asked,  
"Why do you care so much, about my past, about me? While no one ever cared enough before?" 

"For the same reason you care about me the way no one ever cared before" replied Alec with a small smile.

Magnus smiled in return and before he could think about it, he lung forward and hugged Alec, burying his head into his neck and putting his face on Alec's chest in a way he could feel his heartbeat. He closed his eyes and hugged Alec with all his strenght.  
Alec hugged him back, his arms going around his waist and holding him against him with all his love and care. 

'He deserves to know' thought Magnus, and before he could make his mind change his decision again, he started to tell him everything. 

"There was once a woman, half deutsch and half Indonesian, she got married to a colonial and they lived in their farm in Indonesia. One day, the Prince of Hell, Asmodeus,tricked her by making her believe that he was her husband, and made her sleep with him, the he left. Then a few months later, she got pregnant. The new couple accepted the news with happiness and joy. They waited the birth of their baby with impatience. Then, around the years of 1600, she gave birth to a little boy. The couple raised him with all the love and care they could give him. They loved him deeply. His father wasn't always home, he would be absent for days, so the boy spend all his free time with his mother. They used to do all kind of stuff. The boy would help his mother take care of the farm, he would help her in the kitchen and for the chores too. At day, his mother used to take him on her lap and read him funny stories. She would hug him and kiss him on his forehead and hair, and tell him repeatedly that she loved him. And every night before he went to sleep, his mother would put him on bed, and read him stories until he fell asleep. She would kiss him goodnight and sleep next to him. She used to tell him something everyday. And she made him promise to always remember it. She told him that "No matter what happens, and no matter what you do, I will always love you my boy, always remember that". And the little boy believed her. But she lied. She lied. Because one day ..." Magnus paused. There were tears falling down from his face. But he didn't bother to clean them. He was still hugging Alec. He released the grip a little bit but Alec was still hugging him with all he had, he hugged him strongly, more than he did a few minutes ago. Without looking up, Magnus cleared his throat to continue. 

"One day, the mother and the son were playing in their little garden. They were picking up flowers. The boy choose the flowers and he would give them to his mother so that she would put them together to form a bouquet. The mother would smile at him everytime he gave her a flower. But, at a time, when he gave her another flower, the boy saw the look on his mother's face. She wasn't smiling at him anymore. She was looking at him shocked, and with fear. Her hands were trembling and she let the bouquet of flowers fell on the ground. And then she said one word, she said one word and then run away into their house. She called him "setan". The boy was confused. He didn't understand why his mother called him "demon" and just run. He looked at the flowers at the ground and there was a little puddle of water caused by the rain of last night. He got closer and looked into the water. And what he saw made him take a step back, fall to the ground, and shake him in fear. The boy started to cry. He didn't understand what his cat eyes meant and why he got them. He started to run to the house. He heard his mother crying from her room, so he went to knock at her door but she didn't open it. So he started kicking at the door but he still got no answer. So the boy, sit down in front of the door, waiting for her mother to come out of the room. But she didn't. So he waited and waited. 2 days passed. These 2 days all the boy could hear were her mom crying, no movements, no words, just her cries. The boy tried to kick the door open, he tried to see through the bedroom windows bars but even if he could see the whole room, the only thing that he saw was her mother laying on the bad, crying, her back turned to him.  
The third day, he was sitting next to the door, and suddently he heard footsteps. He cleaned his tears with of his hands, then he stood up, went to the window to see what his mother was going to do. He saw her searching something in the cupboard and she saw him taking a rope. He was confused. He didn't understant what she was gonna do with it. He called her over and over again but she didn't reply. She didn't even glanced at the boy. She then took a chair, then placed it in the middle of the room. She ..." Magnus swallowed a gulp, he could feel Alec's arms still holding him, one of his hands was rubbing cercles on his back. Magnus just realized that he was trembling. Taking another breath, he continued. 

"She went to stand on that chair and she attached the rope at the ceiling. As soon as the boy realized what she was going to do, he started screaming, and banging at the door, begging to his mother to open the door, yelling "No, no,no" over and again. But she didn't stop.

Then a few seconds later, she put the rope around her neck and attached it. The boy was screaming his lungs out but she didn't 'care', she didn't 'stop'. And then, she pushed the chair away, and the next thing he saw, was his mother hanging in the air, the rope taking her life away, right in front of his eyes. She was moving her legs in the air, and then she stopped moving, and she was just, hanging in there. Her eyes were open, looking at the empty room.  
With a cry of pain, the boy started to kick the door open with his hands, but before he knew what happens, red sparkles escaped from his fingers and the door broke into pieces. The boy ran into the room, and stood still in front of his mother. He looked down at his hands, the red sparkles were still there. He turned to look at the mirror which was at his side and noticed that his eyes were still like cat eyes. Then he looked up at his mother, and still crying, he went to hug her legs. He tried to pull her down put he couldn't move her away or put her back on the ground. So he just stood there, hugging her mother's feet and crying his heart out. And few hours later, he heard footsteps behind him, he turned to look who was it and he saw his father. His father was standing in front of the room, his face white and pale, and trembling. The boy called his father, the father looked down at him, he saw his cat eyes and red sparkles coming from his fingers. Then he started screaming at him, to get away from his wife, he got closer to him with a murderous look so the boy moved to the side and went to stood in the corner of the room. He saw his father touching his mother's feet and crying. Then he looked at his son, with the same look of hatred and disgust. And started to say things... horrible things about his own son. He actually said to him that the boy wasn't his son. He called him a killer, an abomination, a monster, a disgrace and a son of a demon. He told him that he should have never been born so that his wife would be still alive. Then he started to say the same sentence over and over again :"I should kill you". Then he started to get closer to the boy, whispering that same sentence. He suddenly grabbed the boy's arm and then took him out of the room. The boy tried to get free of his grasp but his grip was strong. His father took him out of the house, and took him behind their house where there were a lot of big wooden boxes filled with water. And then the next thing he knew, his father put the boy's head into the water. The boy struggled to breath and tried to get free of his father. He didn't understand what was happening to him and why his father was acting this way. The water went through his nose and mouth, then he feeled that the water was getting into his lungs. He suddenly felt a jolt into his body, and he felt free from his father's grip. Getting out his head out of the water, he turned around to see his father on fire. He was burning alive. The sparkles on his fingers started to get more and more visible. And then a few seconds later, all he could see was his father's ashes. Then he run. He run and run for days and days. He met the Silent Brothers few days later, they taught him about his ... condition and abilities, about the shadow world and downworld. They taught him everything about himself and his real father. Asmodeus. The Prince of Hell and ruler of Edom" finished Magnus. He suddently let go of Alec, then looking down and brought his lap, then asked. 

"Do you what Asmodeus means Alexander? It means demon, destruction, chaos ... Bane". 

He then looked up at Alec. Alec's eyes were full of tears, and he was looking back him with all pain and hurt. 

"My father, is the Prince of Hell, which makes me his heir. My mother was disgust by the fact that she gave birth to a monster and killed herself because she was ashamed. My step father tried to drown me because of my nature". 

Tears were falling down from both of their face. Magnus angrily wipped them away. He didn't want to cry. He didn't want to feel weak this way.  
Then he felt Alec's hands on his face, holding it, then Alec got closer. Their faces were close now. Magnus could feel Alec's breath on his lips. And then Alec kissed him on the forehead, then he kissed both of his eyes, his cheeks, then he brought their foreheads together. 

"I am sorry Magnus ..." whispered Alec. A sob escaped Magnus' mouth. He tried to keep it quiet by biting his lips.

"Hey it's okay. You can cry you know?" 

"No, no I am not weak" 

"Magnus you are not weak" whispered Alec. "You never were. Everything you went through.. God... you didn't deserve it. It was unfair. It really was and you didn't deserve any of it. And I need you to know it. I need you to know that it wasn't your fault. It wasn't-" But Alec couldn't finish his sentence because Magnus interrupted him. 

"It was Alec" exclaimed Magnus. His voice was loud and firm. His eyes were red and puffy from the crying. "It was! My mother killed herself because of me!"

"She killed herself because I am a son of demon. She gave birth to a monster so-" 

"You're not a monster Magnus!" yelled Alec. 

"I am! Don't you get it?! I got my mother killed and I burned alive my father! I burned him alive Alec, I-" 

"You were just kid!" Before Magnus could object again, Alec stopped him. "No please listen to me okay? Please please Magnus listen?" 

Magnus shuddered but nodded. 

"You're not a monster. No listen, you are not ok? Yes you have a Prince of Hell for a father but it doesn't make you a monster. You mother didn't kill herself because of you, she did it because she didn't know you. She didn't understand you, and it is the same for your father. And you were a kid, you were just 10 years old, how were you supposed to know what was happening to you?  
Yes they thought you were a demon. And yes you have demon blood in you but that doesn't make a monster, or an abomination or... or a disgrace. Everything your stepfather said was wrong. You are none of these things. You are kind, pure and gentle, nice. You are not a killer. You didn"t put that rope around your mother's neck and pushed that chair. Your mother killed herself because she was confused and scared. Magnus you are not a monster. You are one of the kindest and wisest and strongest people that I had the good fortune to meet and to fall in love with. I told you there was nothing which will make me stop loving you. And after hearing your story... I am definetely not gonna hate you and look at you differentely because of your past. Yes your past was terrible, horrible and it hurt you, it broke you, but you are still here Magnus, you are still here and fighting. And that, that shows exactly what kind of person you are. You are a fighter Magnus, and I love you. I love you, I love every part of you, your past, your present, with every single fiber of my soul and body" finished speaking Alec bringing their foreheads together. 

And Magnus broke down, again. He couldn't stop it anymore. The tears were falling like a waterfall from his eyes. All these centuries of pain, hurt, self-hatred, they all came back to him and he cried even more.  
Alec was holding him against him. He was running his hands up and down to calm him down and kept whispering sweet things in his ears. 

After what felt like hours, Magnus calmed down then, 

"Alexander?" 

"Yes?" 

Biting his lips, Magnus said something he never told anyone.  
"I still crave for the love of a mother" said quietly Magnus closing his eyes. He felt Alec kissing his hair. 

"I am sorry Magnus" 

"Alec?" 

"Yes?" 

"Do you think that one day a mother could love me? Even if I am older for that?" 

"Magnus everyone needs a mother. And you know what, I know why you feel that way. I can't even begin to imagine what growing up without a mother must feel like. And I promise you, one day, a mother will love you just like you are deserved to be loved". 

"Really?" asked Magnus looking up at Alec.

"Really" replied Alec looking down at him. 

"Even if she knew about my past?"  
"Even then. Magnus, I need you to promise me something" 

"What is it?" Asked Magnus with a frown. 

"Don't let the past blackmail your present ... to ruin a beautiful future. Promise me?"

Magnus looked at Alec with wonder. "You think I could have that? A beautiful future?" asked Magnus with eyes full of hope. 

"You deserve a beautiful future more than anyone. And yes you will definetely have a beautiful future. I will make sure of it" answered Alec with a little smile. 

"How?" 

"I can't bring you back your mother or your step father. And I can't erase what happened with them, I can't take away these terrible memories. But I can help you create new ones. New and happy memories. Of a new family, your own family". 

"My family? But my family is dead, how I-" 

"Family doesn't end with blood Magnus. You will understand what I am talking about in the future don't worry" replied Alec with a bright smile. 

"You have a plan don't you?" asked Magnus with a smile of his own. 

"Yep"

They both shared a laugh.  
Alec let go of Magnus, and said  
"Come on, go back to sleep, I will be here and if you have a nightmare I will wake you up don't worry"

"Alexander?"

"Yes?" 

"Can I ask you something?" asked Magnus biting his lips, "You can say no if you want" added quickly Magnus. 

"What is it?" asked Alec softly

"I- After what happened to my mother, I never slept on anyone lap's after. Can I- Can I sleep on your lap tonight? Just for one night? I will never ask again I promise! I-" 

"Magnus" interrupted Alec. "You can fall asleep on my lap anytime and anyday you want. 

That made Magnus smile a bright smile, the first one since years. 

They quicky moved around in the bed. Alec had his back against the headboard and Magnus had now his head on Alec's lap. Alec was caressing Magnus' hair with one hand and slowly tapping Magnus' shoulder with another. 

"Alexander?" whispered softly Magnus 

"Yes?" whispered back Alec 

"I love you"

"I love you too Magnus I love you too" replied Alec and bent down to kiss Magnus' forehead. 

And that night, for the first time in years, he wasn't afraid of having nightmares because he knew that Alexander will be here at his side making sure he felt safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for reading this story and sticking with me until the end of the story! 
> 
> Let me know what you thought about it in the comments. Kudos are also appreciated. :D

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you everyone for reading 
> 
> Tell me in the comments what you thought about it : good and/or bad. And let me know if you want me to continue this story ^^ 
> 
> Special thanks to @AccioMalec to have given me enoough courage to post the story, she's amazing *kisses* 
> 
> Thanks again!


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